9-14-10

Things at work are as crazy as ever. Lost another coworker today but I also am getting more hours so I cant complain too much. I am thinking more about my kids now than anything. Which is what I'm supposed to do right... I dont want them to have to suffer the way that I did. I know they are going to have to walk their own path. And I know all my daughters are going to have their heart broken probably more than once. Dont take others for granted. Dont let others take advantage of you. I hope they learn to love themselves and to pray for those that take advantage of that love. Stay strong my children and know that I love you very very very much. This is my testament to you. I will add as much of my thoughts and poetry to these blogs as I can hoping that one day you can say "I know my Daddy". I love you Kayla, Timothy, Morgan, Nala, and Mia!!

Loneliness doesnt begin to describe what I am feeling these days. I hate coming home alone and for the vast majority of the time since December 6, 2001 thats exactly what I have been doing. I am giving up hope in having a normal family life. It seems to be so far fetched and theres does not seem to be a remedy or solution in sight. Im stuck between a rock a hard place as I realize that my kids are probably better without me and Im not going to find my one true love. Oh well....

9-9-10

Today I watched a coworker get taken to jail. Had something to do with the relationship with his ex wife. It dawned on me that this person and another I have worked with in the last few months have gone through the same things that I did around 2006. Jail. Exorbitant child support. Hiding from the repo man. Heartbreak. No gas for my truck. I really hope that he can bounce back. It seemed tough and helpless to me too but then I realized that Jehovah was bringing me through and protecting me despite my trials. I ate when I should have been hungry. I had gas for work when I should have been stuck at home. That's GRACE and MERCY!

Thoughts...

I dont know where my life is going today. I tell myself things like "I am a millionaire...I am a millionaire...I am a millionaire...". I dont really believe it so I already stopped saying it. The reason I am writing this blog is because my kids are not in my life on a day to day basis and I want them to still know me one day. To know what was in my heart and mind and soul and spirit during this absence. They may not even care. They may be very angry at me and not care about my flair for the poetic. They may grasp on to it and become inspired. Either way it goes, when I die, I hope i got enough on here for them to know that no matter what "they" say their daddy loved them.

Quorizzzzzzzma