Note to the kids...

Hey boy and girls lol. I hope you guys are doing well. I was just sitting here in the middle of the night typing and listening to old K Ci and JoJo songs. Thinking about someone that I loved and thinking of you 5 also. It's tough but Daddy is getting through it... slowly. Tonight I erased some of her pics from Facebook but theyre still saved in my computer nevertheless. One of my favorites is "How Could You". Started listening to that one on repeat back in '96. Of course it was about a girl lol. Right about now I bet you guys have some how-could-you's for me too huh. Like Kayla wondering how I could leave Muskegon... Or Mo Mo and New New wondering how I could leave Memphis... How could I leave Nala and not even tell her about Mi Mi... Only God knows what else is plaguing your minds about me. Daddy definitely made many mistakes. I just hope you all forgive me one day and we get the chance to put this behind us and be a family as best as we can be. One day when my selfishness has subsided and I've gotten my head out of my own ass fully lol. If I had to leave you guys with one thing right now it would be the patience your great great grandmother Mattie Ruth and your grandmother Mackie and your great grandmother Lafalene have passed to you through me. Patience to make the right decisions and courage to see them through. Whatever path God has placed you on only you can walk it. No one else can for you. Dont let anyone rob you of that right and privilege. Dont abuse it either. There isnt a need to rush anything. Especially love. Love has to grow and its a two way street. Agape is for everyone and everything but your eros is special and unique and valuable. Guard it passionately. If you arent getting it you dont have to give it. Plain and simple. Stay focused on your dreams and it will come. Daddy loves you all!!

9-14-10

Things at work are as crazy as ever. Lost another coworker today but I also am getting more hours so I cant complain too much. I am thinking more about my kids now than anything. Which is what I'm supposed to do right... I dont want them to have to suffer the way that I did. I know they are going to have to walk their own path. And I know all my daughters are going to have their heart broken probably more than once. Dont take others for granted. Dont let others take advantage of you. I hope they learn to love themselves and to pray for those that take advantage of that love. Stay strong my children and know that I love you very very very much. This is my testament to you. I will add as much of my thoughts and poetry to these blogs as I can hoping that one day you can say "I know my Daddy". I love you Kayla, Timothy, Morgan, Nala, and Mia!!

Loneliness doesnt begin to describe what I am feeling these days. I hate coming home alone and for the vast majority of the time since December 6, 2001 thats exactly what I have been doing. I am giving up hope in having a normal family life. It seems to be so far fetched and theres does not seem to be a remedy or solution in sight. Im stuck between a rock a hard place as I realize that my kids are probably better without me and Im not going to find my one true love. Oh well....

9-9-10

Today I watched a coworker get taken to jail. Had something to do with the relationship with his ex wife. It dawned on me that this person and another I have worked with in the last few months have gone through the same things that I did around 2006. Jail. Exorbitant child support. Hiding from the repo man. Heartbreak. No gas for my truck. I really hope that he can bounce back. It seemed tough and helpless to me too but then I realized that Jehovah was bringing me through and protecting me despite my trials. I ate when I should have been hungry. I had gas for work when I should have been stuck at home. That's GRACE and MERCY!

Thoughts...

I dont know where my life is going today. I tell myself things like "I am a millionaire...I am a millionaire...I am a millionaire...". I dont really believe it so I already stopped saying it. The reason I am writing this blog is because my kids are not in my life on a day to day basis and I want them to still know me one day. To know what was in my heart and mind and soul and spirit during this absence. They may not even care. They may be very angry at me and not care about my flair for the poetic. They may grasp on to it and become inspired. Either way it goes, when I die, I hope i got enough on here for them to know that no matter what "they" say their daddy loved them.

Quorizzzzzzzma

Walls

Ok so i decided to start a new blog for new poetry meaning poetry written in 2010. The first installment is coming from a post i saw on Facebook and its accompanying comments. It's titled Walls and I think you will understand why. Enjoy and God Bless!

WALLS

I dont remember when I laid the first brick...

I just wanted it to stick

To other bricks

And to stack quick!

I wanted the wall's protection

From future disappointment and frustration.

Drama has so twisted my perception

That I feel like God's exception.

Skepticism coming from every direction.

Trust is nowhere to be found in this erection.

Every opportunity is met by inner confrontation.

I keep my heart locked in an emotional police station.

As if it did something wrong.

Heart controls choices.

Choices do not control heart.

You say I'm wrong

Because I choose to feel the way I feel.

But a fool and his dreams will soon part.


One + one + one + one does not equal four.

There is much irregular structure

To be found in relationship torture.

A stack of toy building blocks

Ready to tumble at any time.

It feels like I'm standing on rocks

But I'm surrounded by sharks

At the same time.


Hope keeps me standing

When I feel like falling.

I built the walls so easily

Once the labor took over me.

The burden rolls off my back

And lands on my chest comfortably.


Like acid reflux

IT SUCKS!!

I don't believe in the word trust.

I'd rather be hit by a bus!

Dont try to force your way in

'Cause OUT you will be 'cussed'.


I can't help it.

I've gotten so used to it.

You can't break through

And I can't let you.

So what do we do??

Stack our raggedy walls together

Just so they crumble like New Orleans

In stormy weather?

Or do we stay separate

And pretend to not be desperate?

Desperate for an end to the construction

Of our malfunction.

Fear is such a beautiful obstruction...

On your path to becoming a prospect.

But you cant BE a PROSpect

Because YOU

Are a SUSpect!


I don't have to know you.

My walls know you.

Before you say "goodbye"

I got my bricks stacked ten feet high.

But if I let you...

Come through...

And we choose to...

Put on our wall climbing shoes...

Then you must be the one

Because only the Queen of Evasia

Has the soul that fits those shoes.


Every wall is a journey.

A journey passed jail, homelessness, loneliness...

Passed closed doors, confusion, and expensive attorneys.

But I heart-built these walls brick by brick by brick by brick.

My fortress of solitude.

My Department of Defense.

My Walls.


Quorizzzzzzzma